rowan is gone for a school trip. it’s lonely tonight. the medicine is keeping the demons in my head hush-hush, so i really feel all alone for the first time in a long time. i don’t really remember if i said here that i’m on a new set of meds or not. they seem to work alright. for now, anyway. it never lasts. i almost decided not to take them, so i’d have voices to keep me company, but i promised rowan i’d take care of myself.
take care of myself. ha. what does that really even mean? i don’t think i even know how to do that.
i have to go by myself to see
maureen the psychiatrist tomorrow. usually rowan would go with me, but since he’s gone, he obviously can’t. i hate her. she’s nicer to me if rowan is around, because everyone seems to think he’s a “good influence” on me. i’m not saying that’s a lie, but no one seems to realize that he’s pretty messed up, too.
i don’t even know what the point of this post was. i think i’m just lonely. maybe i’ll go call my mother. if anyone feels like talking to me tonight, well…that’d be great.
dark day. bad day. bad bad bad day.
i slept almost the entire day. just to keep away my demons. they were assaulting me from all sides. all over the place. in my ears, in my eyes, in my stomach, in my brain.
things in my head are so loud. screaming whispers. and when i look in the mirror, i see blood leaking from my ears. soaking my hair. i can feel it, wet and sticky and…it makes me want to vomit.
rowan said, no. it’s not there. you’re seeing things. hearing things. feeling things.
i cried. i wanted to hurt myself. him. everything and everyone.