things are slowly getting better after what happened between me and rowan two nights ago. i’m back on my medication, he didn’t call the hospital to take me away again, and we’re back to sharing a bed.
but sometimes, things still feel tense or awkward between us. like he’s not quite back up to trusting me. i guess i can’t really blame him. would anyone trust a monster that went insane and slammed them up against a wall and choked them?
… “monster.” that’s what he used to call me. i can still be a monster sometimes.
it’s not up to me to decide when he feels safe around me. i have to try and be patient, and even though i know that, it’s agonizing. i’m following him around even more than usual, trying to do things for him: cook, keep the apartment clean, stay quiet when he’s trying to study, and watching television shows that he likes. being a good boyfriend is kind of hard.
he’s out tonight, he has class and a study group after that. i’m lonely, so if anyone out there reading this is lonely like me, maybe we could be lonely together.
i haven’t blogged anything in so long. my words are nothing. they mean nothing and no one is around to hear them. except rowan. always rowan. but even my words to him, my most important person…they are meaningless.
i say, “i won’t hurt you again.”
but the sickness grips me, the demons find me, and i hurt him.
i say, “i’ll never forget you.”
but the paranoia twists my reality into not knowing his face.
the doctors are still trying to fix me. i just keep waiting for them to succeed.
dark day. bad day. bad bad bad day.
i slept almost the entire day. just to keep away my demons. they were assaulting me from all sides. all over the place. in my ears, in my eyes, in my stomach, in my brain.
things in my head are so loud. screaming whispers. and when i look in the mirror, i see blood leaking from my ears. soaking my hair. i can feel it, wet and sticky and…it makes me want to vomit.
rowan said, no. it’s not there. you’re seeing things. hearing things. feeling things.
i cried. i wanted to hurt myself. him. everything and everyone.