rowan is gone for a school trip. it’s lonely tonight. the medicine is keeping the demons in my head hush-hush, so i really feel all alone for the first time in a long time. i don’t really remember if i said here that i’m on a new set of meds or not. they seem to work alright. for now, anyway. it never lasts. i almost decided not to take them, so i’d have voices to keep me company, but i promised rowan i’d take care of myself.
take care of myself. ha. what does that really even mean? i don’t think i even know how to do that.
i have to go by myself to see
maureen the psychiatrist tomorrow. usually rowan would go with me, but since he’s gone, he obviously can’t. i hate her. she’s nicer to me if rowan is around, because everyone seems to think he’s a “good influence” on me. i’m not saying that’s a lie, but no one seems to realize that he’s pretty messed up, too.
i don’t even know what the point of this post was. i think i’m just lonely. maybe i’ll go call my mother. if anyone feels like talking to me tonight, well…that’d be great.
i don’t want to have to go through this again. changing the meds. it takes too long and there are so many side-effects and FUCK THIS. i never know how i’ll act on something new. rowan has to be on high-alert and simply will not touch me because he’s afraid i’ll hurt him. again.
also, i know i’m being a shit about it. whining. i pride myself on having a sense of humor about my…issues. but right now i’m tired and i’m angry. i want to tear something apart. all i can do is sit on the couch and watch television. if i go out around people, i’m sure i’ll flip my shit and hurt someone/something/myself.
but i’m not willing to go back to the hospital, so i’ll have to deal with feeling like i’m unsafe. my poor rowan. i want affection, but i’m being too rough and having grabby-hands, which makes him nervous.
i miss my mother. time for spongebob.