things are slowly getting better after what happened between me and rowan two nights ago. i’m back on my medication, he didn’t call the hospital to take me away again, and we’re back to sharing a bed.
but sometimes, things still feel tense or awkward between us. like he’s not quite back up to trusting me. i guess i can’t really blame him. would anyone trust a monster that went insane and slammed them up against a wall and choked them?
… “monster.” that’s what he used to call me. i can still be a monster sometimes.
it’s not up to me to decide when he feels safe around me. i have to try and be patient, and even though i know that, it’s agonizing. i’m following him around even more than usual, trying to do things for him: cook, keep the apartment clean, stay quiet when he’s trying to study, and watching television shows that he likes. being a good boyfriend is kind of hard.
he’s out tonight, he has class and a study group after that. i’m lonely, so if anyone out there reading this is lonely like me, maybe we could be lonely together.
rowan is gone for a school trip. it’s lonely tonight. the medicine is keeping the demons in my head hush-hush, so i really feel all alone for the first time in a long time. i don’t really remember if i said here that i’m on a new set of meds or not. they seem to work alright. for now, anyway. it never lasts. i almost decided not to take them, so i’d have voices to keep me company, but i promised rowan i’d take care of myself.
take care of myself. ha. what does that really even mean? i don’t think i even know how to do that.
i have to go by myself to see
maureen the psychiatrist tomorrow. usually rowan would go with me, but since he’s gone, he obviously can’t. i hate her. she’s nicer to me if rowan is around, because everyone seems to think he’s a “good influence” on me. i’m not saying that’s a lie, but no one seems to realize that he’s pretty messed up, too.
i don’t even know what the point of this post was. i think i’m just lonely. maybe i’ll go call my mother. if anyone feels like talking to me tonight, well…that’d be great.