i know you do, ainsley.

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Wed, 09 May 2012 14:00:28 -0600

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Tue, 08 May 2012 16:04:11 -0600

fmtownsmarty: http://i.imgur.com/YLXZs.gif

Fri, 04 May 2012 23:34:37 -0600

fmtownsmarty:

http://i.imgur.com/YLXZs.gif

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Mon, 23 Apr 2012 14:18:57 -0600

vitrioli: apex-nadir: all of my existential crisis summed up...

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 15:45:11 -0600

vitrioli:

apex-nadir:

all of my existential crisis summed up in eight words.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

slow and steady.

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 21:56:00 -0600

things are slowly getting better after what happened between me and rowan two nights ago. i’m back on my medication, he didn’t call the hospital to take me away again, and we’re back to sharing a bed.

but sometimes, things still feel tense or awkward between us. like he’s not quite back up to trusting me. i guess i can’t really blame him. would anyone trust a monster that went insane and slammed them up against a wall and choked them?

… “monster.” that’s what he used to call me. i can still be a monster sometimes.

it’s not up to me to decide when he feels safe around me. i have to try and be patient, and even though i know that, it’s agonizing. i’m following him around even more than usual, trying to do things for him: cook, keep the apartment clean, stay quiet when he’s trying to study, and watching television shows that he likes. being a good boyfriend is kind of hard.

he’s out tonight, he has class and a study group after that. i’m lonely, so if anyone out there reading this is lonely like me, maybe we could be lonely together.

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Sun, 15 Apr 2012 14:27:04 -0600

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Sun, 15 Apr 2012 13:21:11 -0600

i fucked up.

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 22:12:15 -0600

i fucked up really bad.

accidentally hurt rowan tonight. by “accidentally,” i mean, during one of my episodes.

i told him a while ago that i would never hurt him like that again. he trusted me. and i broke that trust. he told me that he can’t be around me right now. i think he’s still freaked out, which makes sense. he’ll probably call one of my doctors tomorrow. usually, that would piss me off or worry me, but right now, i don’t even care. i deserve it.

i don’t trust myself around him now, and i’m sure he doesn’t trust me, either. i don’t want to have to go back to the hospital. not when everything was going so well.

what do you do when you love someone and want to take care of them, but you’re the one they need to be protected from?

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Thu, 12 Apr 2012 12:05:54 -0600

Why doesn't Rowan have a blog?

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 14:50:00 -0600

rowan does have a blog! i asked him to join tumblr with me and he did (he’s awesome). it’s not as much fun as mine, though, so no one knows about it. :P

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Sun, 08 Apr 2012 20:35:00 -0600

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Sat, 07 Apr 2012 14:44:42 -0600

a free tumblr cuddle for you :)

Sat, 07 Apr 2012 14:14:00 -0600

WOW i needed that like no one’s fucking business ok.

thankyousomuch you’re my favorite person of the day!

i miss him.

Sat, 07 Apr 2012 00:00:53 -0600

rowan is gone for a school trip. it’s lonely tonight. the medicine is keeping the demons in my head hush-hush, so i really feel all alone for the first time in a long time. i don’t really remember if i said here that i’m on a new set of meds or not. they seem to work alright. for now, anyway. it never lasts. i almost decided not to take them, so i’d have voices to keep me company, but i promised rowan i’d take care of myself.

take care of myself. ha. what does that really even mean? i don’t think i even know how to do that.

i have to go by myself to see ~~maureen~~ the psychiatrist tomorrow. usually rowan would go with me, but since he’s gone, he obviously can’t. i hate her. she’s nicer to me if rowan is around, because everyone seems to think he’s a “good influence” on me. i’m not saying that’s a lie, but no one seems to realize that he’s pretty messed up, too.

i don’t even know what the point of this post was. i think i’m just lonely. maybe i’ll go call my mother. if anyone feels like talking to me tonight, well…that’d be great.

flo the progressive girl.

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 22:43:14 -0600

that woman.

that fucking woman. with the perky voice and the bright red lips and the big doe eyes. what the hell is she even playing at?

i can’t get through ten minutes of television without seeing her big happy smile and listening to her prattle on about “buy ten gallons of ice cream every fortnight and protect yourself from global warming, ainsley,” or, “watch your scheduled programming and learn to make an antidote that will save you from any attempted poisoning, ainsley” and on and on and on she goes.

seriously. what is her deal and why can’t she just stop talking to me? i’m afraid that if i turn the tv off, she’ll just pop up beside me with her damnable perkiness and scare the ever-living shit out of me.

i can’t win.

my dramatic monologue.

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 22:18:00 -0600

i haven’t blogged anything in so long. my words are nothing. they mean nothing and no one is around to hear them. except rowan. always rowan. but even my words to him, my most important person…they are meaningless.

i say, “i won’t hurt you again.”
but the sickness grips me, the demons find me, and i hurt him.

i say, “i’ll never forget you.”
but the paranoia twists my reality into not knowing his face.

the doctors are still trying to fix me. i just keep waiting for them to succeed.

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Mon, 12 Mar 2012 20:10:08 -0600

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Thu, 08 Mar 2012 11:17:53 -0700

allez cuisine!

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 23:34:00 -0700

earlier, i got a text from rowan saying he’d be late coming home. he has to work on a school project with some other guy (which i am going to complain about later because i am sure that asshole is hitting on my boyfriend), so i decided i’d try cooking. because, well, we can’t eat out anymore. too many people are trying to poison me.

question: what do you cook when your boyfriend hardly eats? and when you’ve never cooked a day in your life?

answer: you make a salad and vow to watch the food network every day for the rest of forever so maybe you can learn how to cook! and plus, making a salad isn’t really cooking, right? it’s just…assembly. the sandra lee of cooking shit.

so i made a salad with grilled chicken. how did i grill the chicken, you ask? i didn’t; i just dumped pre-grilled refrigerated chicken pieces i found in the deli section into the bowl of green stuff and tossed it around. allez cuisine!

it was nice though, ‘cause rowan really did seem to appreciate the effort. said i was very sweet. and i told him that i’ll cook on days he has classes. he said, “you don’t know how to cook,” and i said, “well, i’ll learn for you.”

must really love that man.