things are slowly getting better after what happened between me and rowan two nights ago. i’m back on my medication, he didn’t call the hospital to take me away again, and we’re back to sharing a bed.
but sometimes, things still feel tense or awkward between us. like he’s not quite back up to trusting me. i guess i can’t really blame him. would anyone trust a monster that went insane and slammed them up against a wall and choked them?
… “monster.” that’s what he used to call me. i can still be a monster sometimes.
it’s not up to me to decide when he feels safe around me. i have to try and be patient, and even though i know that, it’s agonizing. i’m following him around even more than usual, trying to do things for him: cook, keep the apartment clean, stay quiet when he’s trying to study, and watching television shows that he likes. being a good boyfriend is kind of hard.
he’s out tonight, he has class and a study group after that. i’m lonely, so if anyone out there reading this is lonely like me, maybe we could be lonely together.
i fucked up really bad.
accidentally hurt rowan tonight. by “accidentally,” i mean, during one of my episodes.
i told him a while ago that i would never hurt him like that again. he trusted me. and i broke that trust. he told me that he can’t be around me right now. i think he’s still freaked out, which makes sense. he’ll probably call one of my doctors tomorrow. usually, that would piss me off or worry me, but right now, i don’t even care. i deserve it.
i don’t trust myself around him now, and i’m sure he doesn’t trust me, either. i don’t want to have to go back to the hospital. not when everything was going so well.
what do you do when you love someone and want to take care of them, but you’re the one they need to be protected from?